Leave Me My Name

A name is a very personal thing, every time I come across this I think of  a quote from The Crucible by Arthur Miller,

"Because it is my name! Because I cannot have another in my life! ... How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name!" 

This quote is about a man signing a document confessing to witchcraft and saving himself from hanging. But he cannot sign the document knowing it attaches his name to something false. He is concerned with not just the lie, but keeping his good name in the community. His name means something to him, it has his whole life behind it, everything he has done. So does my name. Why should I give all that up? Why should I change my name to something other than what is on every certificate, award, degree I earned before I got married, why should those things belong to someone else? Why should every photo I took or story I wrote be attributed to someone who no longer exists? And my marriage is an equal one, if I give all this up for Mr. Bowen what does Les give up for me? Why is it always the woman who gives up her name to take on the man's? Which brings me to my point...

Mr. and Mrs. Les Bowen, I don't know who the fuck they are, do you? Because my name is Heather Myers, it always has been and it always will be. Every year Les's extended family addresses cards and invitations (to things they know we won't attend) to Mr. and Mrs. Les Bowen. Why the hell would I open mail from people who either don't know my name or purposely disrespect my decision not to change my identity just because I signed a piece of paper legitimizing my personal relationship to the government?

For the first year after we got married I got things addressed to Heather Bowen all the time, as well as a few things addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Bowen. To every single one of them I politely reminded the sender that I chose not to change my name. I let all of Les's siblings and his parents know before the wedding. Some of them either forgot or didn't pay attention in the first place (I'd believe both). So when it came up I was polite and nice about it for the first little while.

But now Les and I have been married for more than four years. FOUR YEARS! Plenty of time, even if I'm lenient and only call it one Christmas card a year that is plenty of time to learn my name. We were together for more than two years before we were married on top of that. That is six years! 

Six years that I have been in contact with most of these people (not all of them, some will only attend Mormon functions that I have  no desire to be associated with) and you still don't know my name? My slightly different concept of marriage isn't good enough for you? You can't accept that I choose not to change a very deep intimate part of my identity for a man who doesn't do anything even remotely similar in return? You won't even pretend to honor not just my wishes but my legal name? Fuck you then. And do me a favor, leave me my name.